| May 13th, 2003
safety ? ... i think something
is broken in my head...
-- Dyre |
|
| May 7th, 2003
i find life averting and inverting
its emphasis throughout this week... stress continues to
build on me, and unprovoked thoughts enter my mind that
i hope will never be learned by the party responsible...
though, as the semester comes to a close, many of these
emotions have begun to close and also become accepted, and
nutured...
a main focus of stress are
my art history papers due on friday... i find it amazing
that the knowledge i've gained from that class, i've completed
learning on my own in the past week from the text required
for the class, and a heavily-discounted book i purchased...
all to do these research papers assigned a month and a half
ago... this class is so unstructured but she teaches it
like an artist... i can't stay made at something like that
when i do the exact same thing... life is a learning experience...
i categorize myself as a Romantic
Artist... an artist who create art for the purposes of induces
emotions in the viewer... this is also very apparent in
the entertainment medium that i like to watch... i stray
away from those military shows because i don't care... its
just facts that are boring... though
i do consider myself an artist, i hardly practice an artform...
i do know why that is, and i think others don't... doing
any artwork requires a desire for it to become.. i cannot
be forced to do anything artistic... it results in hatred
and poor execution..
blah, blah, blah... i don't
care anymore... back to art history writing...
-- Dyre |
|
| May 6th, 2003
the torment and my mind continues
to build and build... so much weight pressures my continually
weakend structure.. mental stress, emotional stress, and
physical stress combine to pull my closer to the earth as
the time comes closer and closer to an end...
such tempered times brew insanity
within myself... voices continue their oppresion on my regular
activities.. doubt... doubt... am i truly doing whats right
for myself ??... am i truely walking through life as awake
as i can be ??.. what can i do better.. what can i correct....
my time can only be so short....
-- Dyre |
|
| May 2nd, 2003
sigh.. a week ago, i didn't
want school to end... i wasn't ready to leave this place..
but after this week and its events, that has turned completed
over... i think i'm more than ready to go home now... just
to avoid a number of responsibilities, and to rebuild some
finances as they have been vastly depleted as a result of
mis-judgement...
my head hurts... so many pounding
thoughts against me... so many voices... so many... i can't
listen to them all... i can't do everything... once this
semester is over and done with, then i no longer need listen
to them... i can't rest... rest and begin anew...
ugh.. the voices in my head...
never stop... so much doubt..
-- Dyre |
|
| April 28th, 2003
i am begining to wonder just
how susseptable i am to such mind torture when the hits
continue to beat me... i starting to wonder why all of this
really happened and is happending... what triggered it...
and if it all is just some kind of temptation.. or lesson...
or something stupid like that... if this is all just the
prelude to life... or if this really is something i should
stand by... i wonder what will become of the situation...
if something extraordinary will happen, or if it'll just
end like how everyone sees it... usually in real life when
everything is against what you want to happen, it is only
your will that sees it through... and when you constantly
second guess your will, you've already lost... i shouldn't
confuse second-guessing with patience though...
my thoughts always seem to
return to the same scenario... one that doesn't make any
difference at all, but interests me to no end... it may
be a destructive thought, but i find interesting how everything
fit together the way it is, when the whole situation is
really unlikely to begin with... there must be something
about this place that attracts this kind of attention..
beyond that which i do know,
there is one other thing i am begining to wonder as well
_____________________________________
later that night ) ugh... this post sounds kinda dumb for
some reason... it just doesn't have that shpadonkle that
brings out the interest... though pointed and vague, i doubt
anyone has really read it... and beyond that, the intended
readers, probably haven't either...
oh, if you were wondering,
i didn't go to Chrome Hacker @ Inferno, Madison... why ??
.. the reason is because no one wanted to go w/ me to it...
Jason "wasn't in the mood", which means "he
doesn't want to be around me"... Five didn't want to
go for some reason.. and Steve "slippy fist" Dahlstrom
would rather have stayed home playing Shadowbane ignoring
Jamie all night long, than come to a club... so, I didn't
go because, in the end, i would have went for only myself,
when they were other things of greater importance to attend
to... the night actually ended up very nice, so i'm not
really complaining... i'm just never going to ask anyone
to go anywhere ever again because they never end up going
even though the say they will....
and on a similar note, Five
says the he wants to go this weekend to Armin Van Buuren
@ Visions... if i end up returning all those video games
i bought, i'll be in some good shape financially, and also
Mitsuwa is down in Chicago, so i'll be able to pick up some
Prizes for my Video Game Tournament that begins tomorrow...
it seems very convient, and a good idea to go... though,
the probability of ANYONE going with me is almost zero....
i'm not going alone... but, i need spamm prizes... maybe
if i thought of the whole prizes thing when i was there
a week and a half ago... it felt really weird that weekend
though... even this coming weekend.. i think it may feel
a little weird... i think thats just because my car feels
like its on its last wheels, and it makes my nervous...
whatever... i'm sure all you
people are really interested..... all 1 of you...
-- Dyre |
|
| April 26th, 2003
ya know.. for being such a
creative field, music really robs my ability to think...
the only real stuff i do while listening to music and still
consider myself productive is either calculus, algebra,
and coding... drawing ??... hell no, unless its coloring
or something systematic.. what about writing then ?? ...
absolutely not.. my mind is far too wrapped around the beats
and bass to hear than my own thoughts.. listening to music,
i mean REALLY listening to music, at the pharmacy isn't
such a good idea either.. even though its a systematic process,
its still important to pay attention... to what pills are
going to kill which patient...
hey i've been up since 3am
this morning listening to music and i think i've run out
of things to do while waiting for my roommates to wake up
so i can make some loud noises... and by loud noises i mean
some Dance Dance Revolution Max 2 (japan), which i got in
the mail no less than 24 hrs. ago... check
this out ... yep, i did that this morning while listening
to music, and being wide awake thanks to the after effects
of sleeping while intoxicated... i must say.. i think intoxication
speeds my sleeping process by more than 2 times, because
i'm not tired at all, and i'm full of energy... energy that
i want to use on DDRMax2... i should probably play in moderations
though... my right ankle, the one i sprained/broke over
a year ago and never got professionally fixed, is starting
to become sore... whether or not that is because of some
incorrect healing is not something i know...
back on the subject of DDRmax2
and music, in continuence with the 'odd sequel' theory,
the music brought to me by this 7th Mix is superb... and
the best part i've found it that, if you look at that song
list, Paranoia Survivor, which is one of my favortie songs
in DDRextreme, is in this game... loud ambient pulsing highs
and electro... that song is damn nice... playing it is VERY
energetic... i found that on my pads here, Standard difficulty
is quite passable, so i've moved up to tackle this 10 footer...
and hey, i can make it almost halfway.. ^_^ ... i always
seem to fail right before the song gets harder... besides
Paranoia Survivor, there are a number of other very ambient
electro trance sounding songs, and also a number of fast
beat catchy songs that are fun to play....
DDRmax2 will be getting in
my way of normal schoolwork, like usual... i had planned
on doing some stuff last night, but after playing DDR, the
drinking and Soul Caliber II began, and then i fell asleep
around 11pm or so... and 4 hrs. later ... hello... anywho,
i've got some stuff do next week that i need to pay attention
to :
- Operating Systems Lab 7, due Monday Noon
- Japanese Speech Script, due Monday 1pm
- SPAMM Finale Tournament, Tuesday 4:30pm
- SPAMM tshirt graphic, due Tuesday 4:30pm
- Disted Graduation Website, finished by Thursday
- Differential Equations Homework, due Friday 8am
- Art History 221 Midterm Paper, safedate Friday 9am
- Art History 221 Final Paper, safedate Friday 9am
yep.. and then there's all
last tests the week after this, and the finals after that...
stuff to do, stuff to do... i'm not really all that screwed
though... i'm in good shape.. most of this stuff won't take
any longer than the morning before its due ... ^_^... or
Sunday Night... and if i start to obsessively worry about
any of this... i've still got over half a bottle of vodka
in the fridge for those thoughts...
tonight: Chrome Hacked @ Inferno,
Madison... i don't really see anything preventing me going
to this ... unless everyone i've asked to go changes there
mind... its free, and i'll drive... what the hell excuses
do you have ??..
next weekend: Armin van Buuren
@ Visions, Spundae, Chicago... i REALLY doubt that you'll
be seeing me here... the combination of tight money, loss
of time, those art history papers, and DDR heavily balance
the scale towards "NO"... crap, i still gotta
buy SPAMM finale tournament prizes... hmm... mitsuwa's is
down there... that tips the scales back to "HMMM...
MAYBE".. hmm... i think finding another person to come
with is still a must... this time i won't have a 'safe-haven'
down there.. eh, not like i really did last time either...
-- Dyre |
|
| April 21st, 2003
anyways.. as i probably should
have said in the previous post... i went to Chicago over
the easter weekend for general purpose of just curing boredom...
but for other reasons as well... one being Visions, Spundae..
which is damn neat place... if Sasha ever plays at Visions
again, i've gotta go.. Visions is a very localized type
of club where the dj is in plain view and very close to
the general public unlike The Quest which is setup much
more for a concert type atmosphere... at Visions, you can
be almost right next to the dj..
Another major difference between
The Quest and Visions, Spundae is the crowd... Visions feels
like much more of a night club than The Quest...
upcoming events i want to write down to help me sort things out...
April 26th - Chrome Hacked @ Inferno, Madison
May 3rd - Armin Van Buuren @ Visions, Spundae, Chicago
May 10th - Yoshitoshi Tour @ The Quest, Minneapolis
May 16-18 - Anime Central, Chicago
May 17th - Silver Party, Christopher Lawrence @ Visions, Spundae, Chicago
May 23rd - Trancendence @ Inferno, Madison
May 31st - Tiesto @ House of Blues, Spundae, Chicago
June 7th - Dj Qbert @ The Quest, Minneapolis
June 14th - Tiesto or Deep Dish @ The Quest, Minneapolis
July 12th - Jimmy Van M, John Debo @ Visions, Spundae, Chicago
alright... and now lets think
of this logically... Chrome Hacked, this weekend.. its free,
its in madison and its somewhere i haven't been before...
i'm going ... Armin Van Buuren in two weeks, in chicago
which means $20 cover + $6 parking + $4 tolls + $25+ in
gas and 300 total miles of driving.... worth it ?... ok
how about this.. i'll go if i complete both my art history
papers before then.. ^_^ ... Yoshitoshi Tour back in Minneapolis
the week after.. too far away... Anime Central in a month..
definately going, and the Silver Party the same week, definately
going... Trancendence the first weekend after school in
madison... hmm... its free cover.. but it'll be about 600
miles of driving which is $40+ in gas money.. parking would
maybe be $3 at the most... i guess i'll sway my opinion
on how Inferno is after this weekend... Tiesto at House
of Blues.. well if i go to Trancendence i'm not going to
this... and vice versa... again: probably $40+ cover, well
over $40+ in gas, $6 parking.. i'm going to stop there...
far too expensive.. ESPECIALLY if Tiesto is showing up at
the quest... Dj Qbert at the Quest.. $15 cover ? .. meh..
it'll be like last time... if i'm in the mood or not...
he's a cool guy though... Tiesto or Deep Dish @ The Quest,
June 14th ? ... you fucking bet i'll be there... Jimmy Van
M, John Debo at Visions... once again.. lemme think this
through... $40+ cover, $40+ gas, $6 parking... ok.. i've
thought it through... i've just gotta remember no Visions
during summer.. and even during School its still rough on
the wallet...
alright.. lemme sort this out
again, by making some alterations further up.. there's still
plenty of shit to go around... even if i skip out on at
least 3 of 'em due to reality... some of these are still
kinda of nuts if i go to 'em ... like Trancendence and Armin
Van Buuren... i probably won't go to Armin Van Buuren ...
unless i get 2 people to come with, i inherit enough money,
and i have my schoolwork 2'ed away... Trancendence would
be a drive.. but all my wisconsin pals could easily attend
this, and it will be a good show... unless that club is
really terrible... and then also Qbert i probably won't
go to because i don't really care that much... that is very
novelty... so if i eliminate those.. i only have 3 real
events planned for the next 2-3 months... there's still
July and August though... and then i've gotta take my little
sister to one of these... hey, maybe i'll take her to Madison
when i go .. ha ha ha ... crap, actually i can't .. thats
21+ ^_^ ... i guess her big introduction will have to be
Holy Shit day, June 14th... i still wanna go to the House
of Blues sometime... oh well ... i've still got school for
the next 3 years... there's plenty of time... just low webspace
to put it all on....
yah! lists are fun ... here's
another one detailing stuff i need to do in the next 4 weeks
for school...
Art History Paper Midterm
Art History Paper Final
Distance Education Graduation Website
Japanese Presentation Speach write-up
1 Japanese Written Test, 1 Japanese Oral Test, 1 Differential
Equations Test, 1 Macro-Economics Test, 1 Operating Systems
Written Test
Operating Systems Lab 7
Operating Systems Lab 8 (probably)
SPAMM Finale Tournament (game line-up, prize hunt)
SPAMM publicity stuff
i think thats about it... thank
god i don't have a real programming class this semester
or else i'd really be stressed out... i should just go out
and do those fucking papers tomorrow.. that would lighten
the load ALOT... the graduation website is progressing normally...
the speech hasn't ever been assigned yet so i don't care...
all those tests will happen whenever... Labs will figure
themselves out... the video game tournament i'll probably
think through tomorrow after i finish all the work i probably
won't have... finding cheap prizes won't be easy... SPAMM
publicity can wait....
ahh... i love thinking in text...
it always seems like theres something to it... of course
the overall 'problem' is still up the air...
-- Dyre |
|
| April 20th, 2003
『
recurrence... every week the same feelings return.. fade....
reverse... and then return... i am constantly hating myself..
then forgetting about it... and as the feelings fade furthest...
they are returned by the absense and impossibility of her...
it persists... even finding someone who lets me in.. i am
still an outsider... and it feels like it'll always be that
way... the last resort... a left-over...
and as i try to keep it out of my mind...
other thoughts fog my actions and limit myself because of
how it sounds... thats how it is... i suppose i shouldn't
care how it is and just submit to the idioticy i've been
bred...
and the words of gelicia also haunt me
as well... as she yelled at me the other week for being
a hypocrit... she says i have no right to accuse her of
self-destruction when week after week i seem to do this
to myself...
this whole situation doesn't seem to
be working anymore...
』
i did this
over the weekend...
-- Dyre |
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